I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
