I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
