I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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