My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
