she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
