Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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