Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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