I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
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