I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
