I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize