Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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