So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
cat food counts as protein by the way
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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