He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
