You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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