Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
