You're my little dorito
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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