My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
