when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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