FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
