last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
