so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
