i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
