Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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