Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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