forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
