Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
