I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
