...so i touched it.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
