We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
