god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
