Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
