i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
