What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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