her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
