After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
