Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
