I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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