i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Randomize
