why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
