paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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