STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize