I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
