New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
