why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
