I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
