I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
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his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
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He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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