Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
