its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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