Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I want a musical about memes.
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