My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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