How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
