You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
