i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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