Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
