I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
