her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
