I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Did you pee in the oven last night??
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
