I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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