they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
